Stop Feeding What Doesn’t Serve You

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from repeatedly giving energy to things that give nothing back. Sometimes it’s a person. Sometimes it’s a habit. Sometimes it’s a thought pattern, a commitment, a relationship, a business practice, or a version of ourselves that we have simply outgrown.

We have to stop feeding it.

I was actually reminded of this twice this past week. It's like the Universe gave me a pop quiz and said, "Did you really learn that lesson?"

I had an experience with someone I had considered a friend where I realized, pretty clearly, that this relationship probably should have been a coaching relationship instead. There was a constant need for support, attention, processing, reassurance, and problem-solving—but very little reciprocity.

What really drove the point home was that this person knew things were happening in my own life and still managed to blow right past them to focus entirely on what was happening in theirs. And then it happened again with someone else. Different person. Different circumstances. Same lesson.

Boundaries matter.

But more importantly, information matters. (I will forever thank my chosen Mama for this lesson.)

Your life is constantly giving you information

We tend to interpret other people's behavior as a statement about our worth. Someone treats us poorly and we think:

What did I do? Why am I not enough? What is wrong with me? Maybe I need to communicate better. Maybe I need to be more understanding. Maybe I need to try harder.

Sometimes accountability is absolutely necessary. Not a single one of us is perfect. We should be willing to look at our own behavior, own our mistakes, apologize when we've caused harm, and make different choices when something isn't working. But accountability does not mean taking responsibility for someone else's behavior.

Someone else's inability to respect your boundaries is information.

Someone repeatedly taking without reciprocating is information.

Someone consistently making everything about themselves is information.

Someone showing you that they don't have the capacity—or willingness—to meet you where you are is information.

That information isn't an indictment of you. It is a direction. What you do with that information is where your power lives.

Stop turning information into self-punishment

This is where I think we get ourselves into trouble. We notice a pattern, but instead of using the pattern to make a decision, we sit inside of it and try to figure out how to make it different. We keep explaining. We keep communicating. We keep giving chances. We keep adjusting ourselves. We keep trying to find the magical combination of words, patience, understanding, and emotional labor that will finally make another person behave differently.

Meanwhile, we're exhausted. And then we call ourselves victims of the situation. But here's the thing:

Taking accountability for your life does not mean taking responsibility for other people's behavior.

Those are two completely different things. Taking responsibility sounds like:

"This person behaved this way. I cannot control that. I can control how much access they have to me."

"This situation keeps draining me. I can't control every variable, but I can decide whether I continue participating in it."

"This habit isn't serving me. I can stop making it easier for that habit to continue."

That's not blame. It's not a narrative wrapped up in shame. It's agency. It's taking the information you have and actively using it to make decisions that serve you.

Stop feeding the stray cats

My friend, Aeris, made a joke about this when I was venting to her that honestly might be the best metaphor for boundaries I've ever heard.

Don't feed the stray cats.

Because if you feed one stray cat, congratulations...

You now have a cat.

And that cat is going to tell its friends. Pretty soon you're wondering why there are twelve cats sitting outside your house, wondering where dinner is.

You can't then complain about how much cat food is costing you, or worse, having your neighbors complain about the cat poop in their yard, but then do nothing that changes the situation instead of continually throwing food at it.

If you actually want to keep feeding the cats, that's fine. But then you have a responsibility to actually care for the problem. Trap them. Spay or neuter them. Release them back to the colony. Clean up the cat poop. Take responsibility for the situation.

Because you cannot keep feeding a problem and then be surprised that the problem keeps showing up.

What you consistently nourish will continue to grow.

We feed resentment by replaying the same conversation over and over. We feed unhealthy relationships by continuing to give unlimited access to people who repeatedly show us they don't respect it. We feed anxiety-producing thought patterns by constantly checking, analyzing, rehearsing, and catastrophizing. We feed burnout by continuing to say yes when our body is screaming no. We feed chaos by refusing to create systems that would make our lives easier. We feed victimhood when we repeatedly focus on everything everyone else is doing while refusing to look at the choices available to us.

And none of this means that difficult things are entirely our fault.

It means that our response is our responsibility.

You are an active participant in your own life

This is one of the hardest shifts we can make. We are not passive observers of our lives. We are participants. That means we don't get to control everything that happens to us. People will disappoint us. Relationships will change. Someone will behave badly. Plans will fall apart. Life will occasionally throw a whole damn chair at our heads.

But we get to decide what happens next. We get to decide who gets access to us. We get to decide what deserves our energy. We get to decide what we will continue participating in. We get to decide what needs a boundary. We get to decide what needs to be repaired. We get to decide what needs to be released.

And sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is stop asking:

"How do I make this situation better?" and start asking, "Why am I continuing to feed this?"

That question changes everything. Once you can identify what you're feeding, you can decide whether you actually want it to keep growing. Maybe the answer is yes.

Maybe the relationship is worth the work, and they are just as committed as you are to growth.

Maybe the habit needs support rather than punishment. Maybe the situation needs a boundary instead of an ending. Maybe something needs to be repaired. Or maybe you finally have enough information to walk away.

None of those choices require you to hate anyone. None require you to blame yourself. None require you to make someone else the villain. Sometimes you can simply say:

This isn't working for me anymore.

And that's enough.

Information gives us the ability to choose for ourselves

None of this is to make you think that we're meant to spend our lives avoiding every uncomfortable experience. But we sure as hell are not meant to wallow in them. We're meant to learn from them. The person who continually drains you can teach you something about your boundaries. The relationship that feels one-sided can teach you something about reciprocity. The habit you can't seem to stop can teach you something about what need you're trying to meet. The recurring problem can teach you where your systems aren't working. The resentment you've been carrying can teach you where you've been ignoring yourself.

None of that requires shame. It requires curiosity.

What is this showing me?

What is this asking me to change?

What part of this belongs to me?

What part doesn't?

We then utilize that information to make a choice, to make a decision. Because we cannot always control what wanders into our yard, but we sure as hell can use that beautiful prefrontal cortex and wisdom that comes with age to make a decision about whether or not feeding the colony is going to serve us well long term.

And if we decide to keep feeding something, we need to be honest with ourselves about the responsibility that comes with that choice. Your life doesn't need you to take responsibility for everyone else's behavior. It needs you to take responsibility for your participation. That is where your power is.

Stop feeding what doesn't serve you.

And then pay attention to what has room to grow when you do.

With love,